It’s not until last year I realized that I have been an introvert all this time. Being an introvert does not mean that I don’t have interactions to other people. Some people, even myself, at the beginning got it wrong. Being an introvert does not exclude me from being a social creature. I need interactions with people. I even have the urge to tell my stories when bad things happen. Just like everybody.
Lately, there’s one thing which constantly occurs in my mind, it’s the question on why do I become an introvert? I wonder whether I was born as an introvert; it’s something which has run in my blood even when I did not have such consciousness to realize that I am an introvert. Or is it something gained along the way?
Having a long flashback to the past, I know that I was not born introvert. I was a loud, chitty-chatty baby who always told my parents about anything. This made them happy, of course, but things changed when I grew up. I could not forever stay inside my parents’ castle. I was urged to go out, meet new friends, and have interactions with them. Some events become my turning point, when I was voluntary forced to be what I am today, an introvert.
I lived a happy life as a kid. I had many friends and got along really well with them. Until one day I was placed in a class where everyone was chosen from the top-30 of the batch. They were smart, but (un)fortunately, I could still top the class’ rank. Still, I don’t think this is the only reason I was backstabbed at that time.
I believe that my personality paid contributions, too. I was a high-achiever, and somehow it was not tolerable among my friends. When I wanted a particular thing, I did not hesitate to tell people what I was running after. Later on, I learn that this is something we do not usually do among friends. That is why they did not put much empathy on me. And as a result. I was backstabbed.
Being backstabbed when you are mature enough is hard; but feeling it when you’re still in the elementary school is beyond words. I did not even think that any person could be that mean to his/her so-called friends. I regarded them as friends, so I trusted them. I told several people when I felt not comfortable with anyone around. But we’re still kids, we did not know that telling what we feel about a particular person does not mean that we speak ill of him/her. It does not mean that we are declaring a war against him/her too.
Since the backstabbed tragedy, I had trust issues with people. I did not trust them easily, not even my closest friends. They can be close, but I still realize the possibility of their turning back against me someday in the future. If not tomorrow, then it might be the day after tomorrow, and so on.
I want everything to look perfect; and it is not only according to me, it shall be according to other people’s opinion, too. When I do something, I would always like to receive good feedback about it. It makes me feel proud. A bad feedback, although it’s good sometimes, will cause a disappointment.
Later on I found out that it is okay to receive various kind of feedback when it comes to my work. I take that to improve my working-performance. But I do not like it when people start giving comment about my personal life. I have made my own choice and I think that’s the best for me. Therefore, I do not really need people’s opinion towards my private life. But, you know, people cannot keep their mouth shut sometimes. So the only way to make them silent is to block any information from them. I normally would not let people know about my personal preference. In that way, I could still look good in front of them, or at least I don’t receive bad comments about the things (or person) I have chosen.
I dislike conflict; especially when it comes to the one involving high-pitched tone and shouting. So whenever I know that the things I know or I do would trigger a conflict with someone; I’d rather not telling him/her about it. It’s not always a mistake, though, but you know, I often deal with people who always fuss over and complain about anything. So I think the best way to avoid conflict is by not telling them what happen.
So, are you an extrovert or introverts? How did you turn into one?